Monday, 17 February 2014

World Exclusive: A Call of Duty camper interviewed.

The call of duty camper; a common beast, but also a rare one, to nail down that is. Even more so the best ones. You see, they're not chatty types Cod campers. In fact to see one normally involves laying face up and being brutally tea bagged to the head having been sniped from a nearby bush. It was such a encounter that led to my meeting with the subject of today's interview, someone we shall refer to as Dick*.

(*Campers are commonly figures of hate in western society. As such, my guest has asked that I conceal his true identity out of fear for his family, friends and kill death ratio.)

Lazygamer: Dick, I'd like to applaud you for your bravery and take this opportunity to thank you for agreeing to do this interview today.

Dick: Cheers bro innit.

Lazygamer: Let's begin, if we may, by discussing our meeting last night on the popular call of duty: ghosts map, prison break.

Dick: Yeah that is a well good map.

Lazygamer: Hmm. I found it a little frustrating if I'm honest.

Dick: Why? Izit cos you iz well shit?
(Dick does this weird flicky thing with his fingers every time he gets excited. Just an observation.)

Lazyboyblue: Well no. Its just I felt a little like a fish in a barrel. Seemed like every time I turned a corner I had my head blown off by someone in the foliage.

Dick: Wot is a foliage?

Lazygamer: A bush Dick.

Dick: Oh right. Ha, yeah I love blowing noobs off in the bushes.

Lazygamer: (cough). Knobs?

Dick: Noobs. You know newbies. Like someone who hasn't had anything to sell and can't buy da game on launch day and as 'ad to wait till crimbo for it.

Lazygamer: So you were hiding in a bush when I found you....

Dick: I found you first (points an invisible rifle at my head and fires.)

Lazygamer: Whatever Dick. Exactly how long had you been in that particular bush hiding?

Dick: All the match. Well mostly, sometimes I crawl into that little sewer pipe and squat like I had taking a shit.

Lazygamer: Lovely. So that's a favourite part of the map for you? Don't you ever get tempted to try a different vantage point? Other parts of the map?

Dick: Other parts of the map?

Lazygamer: Like the tower for example.

Dick: There iz a tower?

Lazygamer: ok, let's move on shall we? Dick, tell me a bit about yourself. Where you're from? What's your home life like?

Dick: ???

Lazygamer: Do you have a girlfriend for example?

Dick: (scoffs) No!

Lazygamer: Does that question embarrass you? You look a little red.

Dick: Mum says I iz too young for girls.

Lazygamer: You're 45 aren't you?

Dick: yeah.

Lazygamer: This is a good start dick. Are you comfortable talking about some more of this more personal stuff?

Dick: I don't want to talk about my micro penis tho.

Lazygamer: O...K Dick. Sure let's move on. Do you have any pets?

Dick: Yeah I 'as a dog innit.

Lazygamer: Oh that's great. Tell me about your dog. I noticed how much your face lit up when I mentioned it. You must love your dog very much?

Dick: He iz my best mate tho innit. He iz my only mate tho innit.

Lazygamer: That must make you closer as a couple?

Dick: we isn't a couple like that.

Lazygamer: No, of course not. I didn't mean anything like that.

Dick: Me and him are partners.

Lazygamer: You spend a lot of time together then?

Dick: Yup, he iz with me all day and night.

Lazygamer: What kind of breed is he?

Dick: He iz a German shepherd. He's beautiful. He's my boy.

Lazygamer: You clearly love your dog. What's his name?

Dick: Riley.

Lazygamer: Dick, is your pet dog the dog in the game? It is isn't it? It's the dog in the f'ing game isn't it?

We had to stop the interview there because I leaped across the desk and strangled the sad camping bastard.